Insights on adoption, parenting children with Down syndrome & embracing the unknown with Kirstin Czernek
In our latest Insights Series, Kirstin Czernek shares her family’s inspiring adoption journey, the beauty of parenting children with Down syndrome, and tips for embracing the unknown. Along the way, she demonstrates her passion for telling her family’s story and advocating for her kids online. Read all the way until the end to discover her incredible advice for balancing a full house and giving her kiddos all that they deserve!
It’s wonderful to see your beautiful family! What made you and your husband decide to adopt in the first place?
Thank you so much, that means a lot! We had always planned to adopt and even discussed it when we were dating. Tomas had worked at an emergency shelter for kids who had been removed from unsafe environments when he was in college. We quickly learned about the need for foster and adoptive parents. So, when the conversation of starting a family came up, we felt led to adopt a child from foster care in our county.
We started the adoption process with classes and a home study and were matched with Mia fairly quickly. When we were in the process of matching with her, we found out about her brother and ended up being placed with Kai six weeks after getting placed with Mia and both of their adoptions were finalized within the year!
Congratulations on welcoming the newest addition to your family! Can you tell us a little bit about what your adoption journey was like with your youngest?
Thank you! Adoption is so complex. In an ideal world, it wouldn’t exist. But, since it does, for various reasons we felt led after having Aria to pursue it again, but this time to a child with Down syndrome. We fell in love with the Down syndrome community after having Aria. Our eyes were opened to the most beautiful world, that prior, we hadn’t been exposed to. So, when the conversation came up about growing our family we decided to adopt a child with Down syndrome.
We again did a home study, got connected with an agency, and this time worked with the National Down syndrome Adoption Network that pairs parents wanting to place their baby with Down syndrome up for adoption with a parent/parents wanting to adopt. We were a waiting family with them for two years but ended up hearing about Luca from one of our followers on Instagram! We got connected with Luca’s mom’s adoption attorney and started the process with her. Then, we Facetimed with Luca’s mom and made our way to Alabama for his birth a couple of months later. We have an open adoption and absolutely love that she is a part of Luca’s life and vice versa.
How did the experience adopting Luca compare to your previous experience adopting your oldest Mia, and her brother Kai?
Adopting a child from foster care is typically different from private adoption. In foster care, parent’s rights are usually being removed (terminated) and in private adoption parents are surrendering their rights. That in and of itself drastically shifts the experience for everyone involved. Like I mentioned, we have an open adoption with Luca’s mom, and I love that this can be the case for him. The process for adopting from foster care takes longer, has way more ups and downs, and there are so many people involved with different goals for the child.
Depending on the state, most of the time, it’s free to adopt from foster care. Private adoption is more cut and dry in terms of legalities. For example, mom and/or dad are surrendering their rights so there is less back and forth. Although, it can happen where mom and/or dad changes their mind. In this case, there are time limits set depending on the state. In any case, there are costs and fees associated with private adoption for both the legalities and in taking care of mom.
"After Aria was born, I never looked back, I loved everything about her including her Down syndrome diagnosis, and now we have Luca because of her!"
We noticed Luca had a tough journey before arriving in your home. What has your experience been like as a “medical mom” and what advice would you give to other parents out there working hard to keep their little ones healthy and happy?
Yes, the first three months of Luca’s life were difficult. He spent three months in the NICU and had various health issues. I learned a lot through this experience. We had an amazing medical staff and team that were so collaborative with me when it came to Luca’s care. With that being said, I fully immersed myself in his medical care and tried to learn as much as I could so I could make informed decisions about his care and help him thrive as much as possible.
As a medical mom, you are also your child’s advocate within that role. Mom’s instincts are very real and even though I had only known Luca a short time when making these decisions, they kicked in full force. Listening to those instincts were imperative to his care and to help him get better faster. So, I would encourage parents to respectfully stand in the gap for their child, build a good trusting relationship with the medical team and work together combining your instincts and their expertise. You all have the same goal!
What were your and your husband’s experiences learning about your daughter Aria’s down syndrome diagnosis? What would you tell other parents who are going through this too?
I love this question! Tomas was amazing from the first second we learned that Aria could have Down syndrome. He was so supportive and encouraging, planning out her future and what a gift she was going to be to our family. I took a little more time to process. I wanted to fully go through the feelings and emotions before she was born so that when she was born, I would have worked through it all and could just enjoy her, and this is exactly what happened. I had to grieve the child I thought I was having. It's painful to write but it’s the truth.
I would encourage parents to give themselves the space and time to do this and also to not feel guilty about it, you will get to the other side, you will fall madly in love with your child, but you also need to feel and think all the hard things to get to the other side. There is no sweeping under the carpet here! After Aria was born, I never looked back, I loved everything about her including her Down syndrome diagnosis, and now we have Luca because of her!
What tips do you have for moms who are having a hard time balancing it all and making sure they are at their best for their kiddos?
I have so much I could say about this! I recently went through this after bringing Luca home from the NICU. I was having a really hard time establishing a routine and felt like there wasn’t a point because there would always be something going on that would throw me off. I made a lot of excuses as to why I wasn’t taking care of myself and honestly, they were pretty valid but I kept thinking to myself “I don’t feel like myself” but I had to take a hard look at myself and realize I wasn’t doing any of the things that made me feel good or like the best version of myself. So, I stopped making excuses and just decided to make myself a priority again.
I started eating better, even if it was super simple meals, I made sure I was fueling my body. (I write this as I eat pizza, but balance for sure!) I found two workout programs, one if I had to sneak in a workout at home during Luca’s nap and one I could do at the gym when I had time to go. I stopped scrolling at night and started reading again. I love fiction, it’s such a fun little escape but not mind numbing like scrolling social. I stuck to plans when I made them with friends. It's always easier to stay home and climb into bed but I needed my friendships and relationships, and I needed to make them a priority again.
Basically, I started keeping the promises I made to myself and my confidence came back and I felt like myself within a few days. I thought my life would never allow me to stick with this but I was able to about 80% of the time which I am really proud of! All these things make me a better mom and I am so much more patient and kind when I do them. Also, show yourself so much grace, we hold so so much for our families, the mental load is intense but we are so so worth making a priority so we can be our best for our partner and babies.
Congrats on your move to Nashville! Can you tell us a little bit about why you made this decision and how the transition is going for your family?
Thank you so much! So far everything has gone well, we love it here and it has been a great fit for our family. Our decision to move to Nashville was for a few reasons. One, the school systems are amazing and inclusive in terms of kids with special needs. They fully integrate kids with special needs into the classroom and this has been really important to us since having Aria. Aria starts kindergarten next year so we needed to make decisions soon in terms of this.
Second, the medical care here is phenomenal, and not only that, they have care specific for individuals with Down syndrome with many specialists here. With Luca’s additional medical needs, this has been really important to us. Tennessee’s Early Intervention is wonderful and does not limit services so Luca will get all therapies and services he needs until age five.
Lastly, there is a big adoption community at our new church. Coming alongside foster and adoptive parents is one of the core values of the church and there are many families that foster and adopt here. This is important to us, so that Mia, Kai and Luca can grow up alongside individuals who have had similar experiences and understand and support each other in a way that we will never understand. Our whole family was able to benefit from this move and for that reason, it was an easy choice.
"I have so much more peace in my motherhood journey knowing so much is already taken care of by the systems that are set in place. Nothing is worth losing your peace as a mom and you need to fight to get it back and sometimes that means moving."
What advice do you have for other parents who are struggling to get the services their kids deserve when considering a big move?
I would say the opportunity for us to move for better services for our kids is such a privilege and one that I don’t take for granted. If you are someone who has the ability to do this for whatever the reason, it is worth considering. I can speak for myself and I felt like fighting for the constant services and things my kids needed to thrive was stealing from my motherhood journey. I was a constant advocate and instead of putting on the hat from time to time I felt like it became part of my personality because it had to, the systems demanded it of me, and I was unwilling to settle for my kids because they deserve the best.
When I realized what I wanted already existed and we could just walk into it, it felt too good to be true. The more I researched, the more I was amazed at how the very things I was desiring were set in place and had been for decades. Since moving, my advocacy role has been able to take a back seat, it’s still there, there is still work to be done but I have so much more peace in my motherhood journey knowing so much is already taken care of by the systems that are set in place. Nothing is worth losing your peace as a mom and you need to fight to get it back and sometimes that means moving.
How do you see your family life growing in the years and decades to come?
In terms of how many more children, I’m not sure! We definitely are very content with the four we have but I could see us maybe adopting one more in the future :).
What is your biggest hope for your kids?
I want each of them to always feel so loved and accepted for who they are in every environment they attend. I want to come alongside them and support them as they pursue their dreams and I want them to always see our family as a safe landing space where they know they can come home and always be loved just for being who they are.
What is your proudest moment as a mom?
Oh man this is hard, my kids have made me so proud. I feel like it's been less in those big monumental moments and more in the small subtle moments that take place on the day to day. Like when Mia makes friends with someone at school who has been struggling and she doesn’t want them to feel left out and her teacher shares it with me at parent teacher conferences. How Kai introduces Aria in every new setting and explains that she has Down syndrome “so she doesn’t talk a lot” and talks about it like the sky is blue, but beaming with pride the whole time. How Aria hugs each person she meets like they are the most special person in the world and makes them feel so loved. Luca’s whole body smiles. I’m proud of my kids' hearts.
Kirstin Czernek is a mom of four and an advocate for adoption and parenting children with Down syndrome through her platform on social media. Stay connected with Kirsten through her Instagram handle @kirstinczernek.
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